It is hard to think that after that last post it was only a couple of months when I found out that I would be expecting a little baby in June of the next year. I had decided to go off the fertility meds and just see what happens. Suprised beyond belief that the very next month I got pregnant without the meds. I was never regular but one morning before church I decided to take a test because one medication I took I could not start without making sure I wasnt pregnant. Well sure enough there was a little very faint pink line. My husband said he couldn't see it but I knew it was there. The next day he went out and got another test and sure enough it was positive. That day changed my whole life. Now I was not a dying person but a woman made complete by having a baby. A marriage that had been magically mended all beacause our trails had been worth this special baby. A baby that would change the world merely because he had been created by God. Although some of the hardest months laid ahead due to complications unseen.
Early in the pregnancy we would have a threatened miscarriage due to a incompatiablity with my blood. One of us had postive and the other negative. And months where I was told that I could not do any chores or hard work due to fear of losing the precious baby inside me. And then a end of pregnancy filled with false contrations and a baby that went days without moving.
I had had vivid dreams of this child filling my life with joy but one of the weirdest dreams I had was him being born on May 17th a full moon. He came into the world I little hariy werewolf. I kept telling people that I would go into labor that day but no one believed me. I was exactly 37 weeks, technically full term but still 3 weeks away from my due date. I had been feeling like I had the flu and was as gross as it sounds throwing up all over the place when suddenly my water broke all over the floor. I changed pants and then walked out to tell everyone that it was time to go to the hospital. When we were driving there I asked my husband what day it was. He started laughing for like I told everyone, It was May 17th. The hours to follow are by worse the worse and best time in my life. I was in labor 24 hours but could never dilate past 4 cm. And this is when I knew my trails would begin...
They took in for a c section which is by far the worse experience in my life. For one my epidural was only working on one side of my body which means although I couldn't feel pain I could feel the knife going trough my skin on one side of my body. It was horrible. But to hear that crying baby in the end was amazing. I hated that I couldn't hold my sweet baby Theodore in my hands but as soon as I saw those sweet eyes I knew it was worth it. After they got the baby out they ended up having to sedate me because I could not handle being operated on while awake. The next few hours are a blur filled with events that I don't really remember but family and friends around me told me about.
The days that followed didn't get any eaiser. With a baby that was jaudiced and would not breast feed. Not being able to breast feed was by far the hardest thing I ended up going through. I very heart renching thing that no matter how many times I tell myself I did everything possible I still feel like I took away something precious from my baby. I will always grieve not being able to breast feed but know that I have a healthy baby boy.
Theodore Richard Schreiner entered my world on May 18th, 2011 and changed it forever. He is such a well behaved little boy who is ahead in all of his development and sleeps through night like a champ. I love him with every part of my heart. to be with him is like being with an angel sent straight from God. The world is a better place simply because he exist.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, June 25, 2010
the Quest
These days when someone is talking about the pill they know what you are talking about. With the introduction of so many medication and things. It seems that infertility is sky rocking. Soon some will same some phase like the quest and they will know that it is about infertility. I am not sure how to explain this but it is one of the hardest things I have ever been through. I am just in the beginning and cannot imagine what lays ahead of me. I am on pretty simple medication and the side effects are ridiculous. I mean I walk around in a uncensored body half the month. I am a nice person but things just roll out of my mouth. I am not sure what do about this. My husband already cannot deal with this. He is so distant from me that I fear with the next syllable he will be out of my life and none of this would have been worth it. So do I live in a world where my husband hates me or do I live with the fact that I will never have a natural child but with a happy husband. how do I make him realize that it is not me but the medication. I have told him but he doesn't seem to hear my words. All he hears is the hormones talking that burst at the seems often these days. My heart is broken both because the thought of not having a child and from the thought of destroying my marriage in the process. which path should I take. When I usually have a bad time like this I go to my mother of best girl friend but for some reason I can't for I fear they just will not understand. How can they? My husband the one closest to me doesn't even understand and being a man he is being stubborn laying under the covers trying ignore me. What is a girl supposed to do? I have tried running to God but I even feel that slipping away...why did he make me the way I am if I were to have no children. Am I destined to live the rest of days my days with out children or fight and have a broken marriage. No answer seems to be right for I could never live with either. I am stuck in a cage with nowhere to hind or flee to. No person around to save me from invisible gases but to merely fall dead. I lifeless yellow body that dies when everyone else gets to live a wonderful life out in the sunlight with birds chirping and kids laughing off in the distance...
Monday, May 17, 2010
Let the adventure begin...
I am a 25 year old nanny that loves to write. I am currently writing a children's book and a teen novel. I started this blog to help build my writing skills. The more you write the better you get right. So this is a little experiment to help diversify my writing skills. I will write about anything and everything from my life to fairy tales to possibly some pages of my books.
So I will start with the easiest to write about...my life. More importantly I will write about my struggles in school and the beginning of my writing dreams. From age 3 my mother knew there was something special about me. I grew up in a little town with only a few stop lights and some cows. My mother always told me stories of the things I would say. Like my third birthday party, when I told my father to please blow out my candle for princesses don't do silly things like that. I was always the talker. I talked about everything i could think of to anyone that would listen. I was fascinated by books from a early age. I can remember sitting in the bottom on my closet surrounded by books. I would lay them out just so and pick each one up so gently to open it up and allow myself to be taken away to the far off lands that awaited me. Now I was not really reading them for I had a extreme learning disability. In school I could read the words out loud at the young age of three but I knew sometime was not right for the words did not make sense. When my mother read to me I could understand the story. My mind understood that the prince ran away with the princess. But when I read it all I got was the picture of a prince, a pair of legs running, and a princess. Nothing was connected. This would baffle me for years to come. My mother could not understand how I could read the book so beautifully but not answer any question about it.
My school being a small town school never tested for any learning disability because I was always so bright and made the honor roll. But as the years went on and testing was more important, my grades slowly went down and began to draw attention to the unknown problem that haunted my early education. It was not until middle school that something clicked and I began to be able to comprehend. I was taught to diagram sentences. This is how I would read. I would quickly scan find the subject of the sentence then the verb and then use all the left over words to help paint a clearer picture. No one ever told me to do this and no one ever knew why my grades began to pick up and I began to read at a level several grades ahead of me.
In high school, I had trouble reading out loud in my AP English class. My teacher kept me after class and I asked me about it. I told her that I could read out loud but I was trying to understand what I was reading by diagramming the sentences at the same time. She asked why. I simply told her that by the time I would get to the third or forth word in a sentence I would have no idea what the first word was. I soon came to find out what this meant. I had a lack of sentence memory. I had a name for my disability but this soon dashed my dreams of ever becoming a writer to all those lovely books that I had dreamed up and were swirling around in my head just screaming to get out.
How could I write a book if my sentences were written oddly because not only did I read differently I wrote differently. I eventually put the dream of becoming a writer out of my head and concentrated on getting into college. Which I am proud to say I soon got accepted to Baylor University. As I started college, I wanted to become a elementary school teacher but soon realized that none of my professor understood my way of teaching. I taught how I learned. I taught through hands on activities and seemed to weed the reading assignments out of my teaching. This did not please my professors and I soon ended up failing some education classes. I then changed majors to child development. I flew through the course with straight A's and much respect from professors.
I then decided that I would take some English classes. After my first day in the English class I feel back in love with both writing and reading. As I turned in paper after paper and received A after A. I soon realized that maybe I could write. What was stopping me...fear. Could I really let that ruin my dreams of writing. So after I graduated I soon started my first two books...and that is where I am today. So my writing is not the best and I may have to go back over every sentence a million times...who care...I can no I will write. It is in my soul and heart. As the words fill my head I just have to get the words on paper to tell my story, to write my own legacy, and to inspire other to follow their dreams.
So I will start with the easiest to write about...my life. More importantly I will write about my struggles in school and the beginning of my writing dreams. From age 3 my mother knew there was something special about me. I grew up in a little town with only a few stop lights and some cows. My mother always told me stories of the things I would say. Like my third birthday party, when I told my father to please blow out my candle for princesses don't do silly things like that. I was always the talker. I talked about everything i could think of to anyone that would listen. I was fascinated by books from a early age. I can remember sitting in the bottom on my closet surrounded by books. I would lay them out just so and pick each one up so gently to open it up and allow myself to be taken away to the far off lands that awaited me. Now I was not really reading them for I had a extreme learning disability. In school I could read the words out loud at the young age of three but I knew sometime was not right for the words did not make sense. When my mother read to me I could understand the story. My mind understood that the prince ran away with the princess. But when I read it all I got was the picture of a prince, a pair of legs running, and a princess. Nothing was connected. This would baffle me for years to come. My mother could not understand how I could read the book so beautifully but not answer any question about it.
My school being a small town school never tested for any learning disability because I was always so bright and made the honor roll. But as the years went on and testing was more important, my grades slowly went down and began to draw attention to the unknown problem that haunted my early education. It was not until middle school that something clicked and I began to be able to comprehend. I was taught to diagram sentences. This is how I would read. I would quickly scan find the subject of the sentence then the verb and then use all the left over words to help paint a clearer picture. No one ever told me to do this and no one ever knew why my grades began to pick up and I began to read at a level several grades ahead of me.
In high school, I had trouble reading out loud in my AP English class. My teacher kept me after class and I asked me about it. I told her that I could read out loud but I was trying to understand what I was reading by diagramming the sentences at the same time. She asked why. I simply told her that by the time I would get to the third or forth word in a sentence I would have no idea what the first word was. I soon came to find out what this meant. I had a lack of sentence memory. I had a name for my disability but this soon dashed my dreams of ever becoming a writer to all those lovely books that I had dreamed up and were swirling around in my head just screaming to get out.
How could I write a book if my sentences were written oddly because not only did I read differently I wrote differently. I eventually put the dream of becoming a writer out of my head and concentrated on getting into college. Which I am proud to say I soon got accepted to Baylor University. As I started college, I wanted to become a elementary school teacher but soon realized that none of my professor understood my way of teaching. I taught how I learned. I taught through hands on activities and seemed to weed the reading assignments out of my teaching. This did not please my professors and I soon ended up failing some education classes. I then changed majors to child development. I flew through the course with straight A's and much respect from professors.
I then decided that I would take some English classes. After my first day in the English class I feel back in love with both writing and reading. As I turned in paper after paper and received A after A. I soon realized that maybe I could write. What was stopping me...fear. Could I really let that ruin my dreams of writing. So after I graduated I soon started my first two books...and that is where I am today. So my writing is not the best and I may have to go back over every sentence a million times...who care...I can no I will write. It is in my soul and heart. As the words fill my head I just have to get the words on paper to tell my story, to write my own legacy, and to inspire other to follow their dreams.
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